woohoo! lok at that! 49 people lsit me as a buddy! One more and i shall have fifty, what a nice round number, i think i should celebrate. . . . . but with what?

I am feeling like my father, in that i want to get drunk quite badly. I recently made a friend who told me she had half a gallon of vodka in her room, and mind you, while i am not the sort to use people, it did make me want to be around her more, in hopes that i would be around when she opened it up.

For the past few days i have needed and escape, and as cigarettes are what puts me near some of the things i need to escape from i have begun to search for something else. I suppose as some sort of respect to my lineage alcohol just seems right.

I dont think i am an alcoholic,

strangely enough i dont really have an addictive personality, i am not addicted to cigarettes, i like them and all, but when i cant smoke for a while i dont go through withdrawal.

during the period of time when i frequently smoked pot with krystal i never felt any sort of need for it.

and alcohol as well, i have never drunken much but i have never felt the suden symptoms of being an alcoholic that everyone talks about, if alcoholism is hereditary and if you can have the predisposition like everyone says, and the first drink is all it takes . . . . then i should have been an alcoholic long ago.

Even, what i pegged as my addiction for so long, my self abuse, even that isnt realy an addiction. . . . i wanted to be addicted to it more than anything. I was just in a period of life where i needed an escape more often, . . . and it was my drug of choice.

everyone needs escapes on occassion . . .

i will find myself saying "i need a cigarette" but that isnt wht i need, i dotn give a crap about tobacco or nicotine. . . i dont want them or need them, i hate cigarettes, i always have . . . . the fact is . . something is going on, something i hate that makes me feel awful . . makes me feel a sudden surge of hatred for myself that i have to do somethign self destructive

to escape from myself . . from what i feel

and these damn ellipses i keep using . . .