all hail the gods in their infinite wisdom and generosity.

and as a general update you can say goodbye to the ebay link, i'm running out of things to seel, or rather, to put up for sale and then watch not sell.

now on to the real entry:

I wish i had asked him, what i had longed to know. my mind framed the words but lips could not form them in time. to ask him how it felt to be inside someone.

I'll never know what that's like, perhaps that explains my many dreams attempting to simuate the experience.

I wish i had asked him. so then i could hear and know. even if it was only vicariously.

I feel like women ar cheated in this regard. to only know how it feels to havee something put inside, a foreign object inserted. When someone holds you, hugs you . . there is a certain quality and warmth to that. Something men get in a way women cannot.

i should have asked.

I have a way of over-romanticisizing physical matters, with alot of crap about the union of souls, etcetera etcetera. and though i call it crap i really do still beleive it . . i jsut realize how cliche it sounds.

i have heard it often refered to as one person is giving and another receiving,m but i think that perhaps it isnt that, more like each is givign and receiving something different. and to think that iwe will never know what it is like to be giving what we normally receive and to receive what we normally give . . that drives me mad.

its that same constant yearnng for what i cannot have. the same frustration with a singular existance. that i will never escape from