I have grown sickyl and ill from emotion

i am infected by thoughts and feelings and mos tof all doubts.

i have 51 more days to go

i am the worst waitress in the wrold, tomorrow is my second day, still dont have my own tables, just shadowing, still i bumble, my mand is on too many things and not enough of them have somethign to do with food service

im sur ehe doesnt even check his email

ill see him andhe wont even remember me, ill run and throw my arms around him and he will push me away, i am sure of it

so sure

too sure

goddam it

i spent 150 dollars today on things for college, sheets and towels and pillows, a shower caddy a beach towel with the game f twister on it

my stomache is churning, it has been for days.

the only thing that keeps me from packing ym clohtes and books is the little window on my desktop counting down the days, reminding me taht i have more than a month to go only 40 more days of work before i have to quit, then a raodtrip then college

then him

i doubt it

as the days go by the amgic fades from my mind and mroe memory replace it, details fade form his photograph, i cant remember his scent jsut exactly, although something about my pillow is reminiscent.

in my dreams his voice is off and i cant adjsut it properly

i imagine a hundred different ways for us to be reunited, for us to see eachother again, all of them romantic, all of them sweet and all of them utterly improbable. . . .

everyone i know abou the age of 25 has decided they want to come by Andy's so I can serve them, thats not happening. the last thing iw ant is for people i know to be there when i trip and bump ad bumble and spill and mistake i look stupid in the hat and i am the onyl waitress under the age of 40 who is over 80 pounds

i shouldnt have lied at my job interview about college, i should have told them iw as going, i should have been hoenst, even if it menat i didnt get the job, i woul dbe happier right now if i didnt get it

found out my blood type is o positive, the woman on the phone form teh blood donar center said i was a blessing, i nearly cried

everything makes me nearly cry lately

i try to explain to my mother that the vitamins she wants me to take are screwed up, they have about 5 times the reccomended amount of most of the stuff inthem, which can be bad if your body isnt used to it, mum doesnt beleive me. all she knows is that shoving vitamins down my throat makes me hav eperiods and become a woman again, and she ignores my insistance on seeing a doctor about the problem so i can conveniently be put on birth control . . kill two birds with oen stone . . .

since is tarted taking them i have been crying, they are my excuse anyway, i cant control msyelf, my moodswings have been worse than they have been in eyars, and i forgot how hard it was to handle.my stomache chursn, emotionally sick, from everyone int he wrold snapping and yelling at me, from nothing going my way only hinting at some foreign opportunity i always miss regardless of effort

i dont fit into life well, i dont function like everyone else, i cant figure it out, i cant fit into the rhythm i cant walk in time . . . the waves come and i drown when everyone else floats to teh curface . . it doesnt make sense it jsut doenst make sense.

for the first week when i thought of him my heart would flutter wildly, now my stomace chrusna nd i feel nervous and sick. i knew i would be like this, yet somehow it is still horrible, still unbearable

i have wrok tomorrow, at twelve, friday i drive away, and in 51 days i break free

free

free

free

free

i want to go home, that is, as soon as i figure out where that is.