I have always complained.

Since middle school I couldn't stand how I was the one who was always single. I was the one who was always alone, whenever I was sad the rest of the world seemed happy. On the few times I became ecstatic everyone around me seemed lost depressed.

Everything is always the opposite of what i am and how i am.

so at the party last night i look at this guy and think, that i could have fun, i watch people look around and slowly watch the night progress as people decide early on who they want to hook up with after the third beer. The fourth beer, a few hits and a stupor.

I thought for a minute that maybe I would join in that, just a thought, the problem being, it isnt my nature.

I don't know how to go about it and my chosen target i give up and watch it go for my friend, who needs it more than I.

and then an opportunity comes up later in teh night, no pun intended, and i turn it down.

all my friends around me coupled, enjoying themselves in a way that i havent for soem time, that i miss, but that is empty. that i told myself i would do for the sake of it because what are my odds eh?

but i think that secretly, i enjpoy being the lonely one. I want to be the third wheel, the fifth wheel, I want to long for what i cant have, envy them so i will envy soemthing. Because when i get close to it, i dont have it, and when i get further i still don't.

I enjoy being the lonely one. It gives me something to complain about. and it keeps me from confusing wha ti want with what i have. You cant confuse them when you dont have one of them. or both of them, because we never have what we want ebcause once we have it how can we still want it?

Still the hopeless romantic after all this time, that amazes me to no end. After all the times id ecided i didnt want or need love. Or tried to convince myself of that. because i frankly wont get it.

i keep thinking love is something other than what it is. and then i think itis something it isnt . . . i try to figure it out and i will never get it till i give up. Its one of those things, because once i figure it out i will stop trying to figure it out and therefore I will give up on it. srta the same reason the last place you look for soemthing si where you find it.

i always find it too late. it expires, and with all my "it wasnt meant to be"'s i feel a certain loss whenever i find someone i know i could have loved but now . . . there is no way it could happen.

and then the times my brain tricks me, my heart tricks me. After I have been so starved for love and connection, because i make myself the one who is always alone, when i find a connection my mind and heart pounce apon it, make it soemthign it isnt so i can have my heart broken.

and with all my awareness it doest stop it, i can fight it but it doesnt work.

I'll be alone for a while, a long time.

I was told my love line was amazingly long, but the fact is . . . i'll keep loving, just no one will return it