You see, i am doomed tobe alone, and sad and not have the eprso nmi want and need to love. no one whom i love and who will love me with the same intensity tha ti love them. i do not have the ability to attract said person, pr anyone for tha tmatter. I am to flawed to enrvous to akward. I would scare them away given jsut on edate. frighten them with my stuttering nervous speech my odd sense of humor my cynicism and sarcasm. everything about me that if ind endearing to myself, everything about me,t aht remidns me of hte girl who finds lvo ein the moves, everything, all fo those, are why i will be alone.

a female straight frien dof mine mad ea deal with me that if we are btoh single at the age of 45 we will get a civil union. i dont know why. it is jsu tso cliche and silly. at first she said marraige but i said no.gay marriage will more than likely be legal by then, but that isnt the point. The point is . . . why would i do that to someone . . .anyone? As much as i fear and even despise marriage why would i voluntarily get into a loveless marriage?

somehow the civil union still ives me an out, soemthing that is just advantageous to have, like a business partner who i would mroe than likely have sex with and live with. but if that somehow (who i know does nto exist but i cannot help but hope to find) does show up a bit late, i will be able to pursue them, whoever he or she is.

of course that is all assuming my friend is single at the age of 45, i know i wil be.

you see i cant attract anyone , of either gender. people assume that bisexuals get constant action, and maybe mos tof them do, jus tnot me. I doubt i will date anyone this year, i started it off poorly, gettign dumped by someone whom i had never wanted to date in the first place, someon who seemed to be using me, but really iw as using them.

it is hard to coem to terms wit hthe fact that i am not attractive, or even cute, or even somehwat pleasant to look at.

i am too fat and too ugly. to short and too small-chested, i have been crying alte intot he night lately, and the greyish area under my eye stha tnever really goes away now ha sa strange fold in it,a s if i am aging too soon. as ig for some reason all this time has passed an di still still am this emotional uns table wreck.

whay cant i change?