After a good deal of time deliberating trying to figure out jsut what it was that disturbed me so much, so much i couldnt look into your eyes for more htan a moment or so at a time during the short visit.

late last night with thoguths that wouldnt allow me to fall asleep i realized what about those eyes made me afraid

the element in your gaze that made me worried was one i had seen before. something pitying and loving and fascinated that i had seen on someone else's eyes, on another person's face.

I recall it vividly, laying on the bed, my feet hanging over the side, he looked down on me with the look in his eyes, so gentle, so sorry and so loving. so curious and troubled that i longed to ask what was wrong, what was plaguing his mind so. but I didnt ask. Nothing could have pursuaded me to, not just because of the situation i was in, on the bed in a strangers house with my boyfriends hand down my pants, no that siuation alone wasnt why i wouldnt ask, not because of the amazing flaws involved in the timing of asking just then. But isntead, ebcause i knew, I knew what was on his mind, what plagued him and in a few mometns he lay beside me and told me, less than thirty minutes after midnight told me he loved me but had to elave me. I told myself that he had never loved me because i didnt want to face the possibility that yet another man loved me mroe htan i could love him. Thought that isnt very likely, not with him. But the idea had crossed my mind. The look of pity and contemplation and something impending stands out more in my mind than anythign abotu the ngiht, about the emotions, about the entire relationship

i saw that look again

on another mans face many months later. In a burnt out house in the middle of a wooded which i used to take shleter in, with his arm around me, shaking, with frightening intensity. and when i glance up, so high up, what seem slike feet or miles above me i see his face smiling gently down at me, lovingly pityingly, full of memories thoguths and resolve. the same face. somehow i couldnt look into again. I didnt want to associate one with the other. They were so different to me, on emeant so much and one meant so little.

but then again, going strictly on what i was told rahter than on what i consider or know as truth, both felt more for me than i for them