My new year began with wondering why my boyfriend didn't kiss me at midnight. Then i noticed the look on his face and his distance and decided something was on his mind, . . . i knew, within thirty minutes we were in an isolated place, doing what was expected but he was still distant, then within the first hour of the new year he broke up with me.

I cant cry

i've been trying to, this morning i was really working on it, i thought about everything i felt and tried ym damndest to cry, i wanted to cry, i want to be upset . . . but i'm not.

my heart isn't broken. I don't know how to handle that. I was thinking and thinking and i thought maybe i felt releived because i now was no longer worried about when it would end, but that isnt it. i was never concerned about that, even thoguh i knew it would end and soon. I feel strangely happy. I wish i knew why. In fact i almost feel guilty for feeling happy, because i was expected to be so broken hearted. but i dont really feel guilty, i want to feel guilty, i want to feel the way i am supposed to.

instead all i really want is to go smoke a cigarette, he hated cigarettes.