For some reason I thought just now of a night, from almost a year ago. ITs strange how things can enter my mind and then refuse to leave. It is like my head tells me i msut make sense of it, sense of what happpened a year ago (or was it two, i cannot tell anymore) A single ngiht that stood out in my mind. No it didnt stand out, not until now

we were watching a movie, on eof my favorites one that makes me cry every time i wiatch it, not because it is a sobby romance or anythign like that because it hurts, because your heart breaks at how horrible the world can be. A good movie. And my arm was around the person I thougth I lvoed at the time, trying to share it with her and as th emovie progresse dit hougth sh ewas cyring, she turned away and a whimper escaped her lips, I held he rtighter spoke to her, she responded mumbled things it was sad and wonderful because I felt I was sharing soemthing with her, something important to me, the message ofit.

for a while she was real, a person, tangible and fragil and 3 dimensional

then i found out she was asleep that she had rolled over in her sleep not turned away in emotion and the whimpes no more than the muffled sounds of a troubled sleep

it was the realist and most important moment the two of us had shared, or perhaps that i had shared.

Why does the thought of it come to me now? Why do i suddenly think of this self dillusion

i hate writing questions here that i dont have the answer to