i made 80 bucks with a yardsale, spent most of the day at the theatre, learned the lighting for the play, had a fun dinner with rick in which i learned to use chopsticks and discussed "comfortable shoes". then the week of me feeling unapreciated came to an end when the cast of the play made sure to thank me and apologized for having neglecting me for so long. and the show was great, and we ha da full hoiuse, and we hung out afterward, and i had fun and i was so happy, and i laughed so hard . . . and i felt sick to my stomache most of the night

it was the happiest i had been in a long long time. and i felt sick, towards the end of the play i had to sit down, leaning agains thte concessions stand because there were no seats, because i felt so dizzy. a few times i thought i would puike

my body rejects happiness,

like a foreign organ or improper bloodtype

i have this inability to let myself be happy, i make bad decisions all the time to force myself into sadness . . . i rush certain right decisions to do the same. Everything i do somehow makes me feel worse, i wotn elt msyelf feel good about feeling good. My happiness is always guilded with guilt.

and last night it made me sick, i felt physically ill, from what? from being happy?