i sometimes forget how truly disgusting i am

i saw myself today and nearly puked . . i dont like feeling this way, i dont like hating my body.

i dont like hating myself.

but at the same time i cant stand looking this way. i cant stand looking at myself and wanting to cry evertime i eat

food is a disgusting, disgusting thing.

i shouldnt think these things. . . . i shouldnt want to throw up into the toilet everytime i pass the bathroom. My mind shouldnt drift to thoguths of slicing away parts of my body so i wont be fat

fat . . . .

this ugy came up a girl at my lunch table today snickering, "my friend over ther wants you rnumber" all the guys from his table were laughing and the many in question was looking disgusted.

I knew thi sjoke, i had been the victim a thousand times. The girl jsut ignored it.a nd someone else at our table made a remark after the guy left about her giving him the cold shoulder.

it suddenyl struck em that they didnt realize it was a joke. one of the cruelest jokes ever made by man. and thos other girls didnt realize . . . .

they have never been like us

fat, large, obese, teased and called pregnant

i suddenly felt very alone . Even though right across from me was someone else who had gone through the same thing, i felt alone

because they didnt udnerstand. . . . and i cant jsut brush it off like she did, i hurt, i cry isnide and though she seemed upset. .. . i didnt see in her what is aw in me

i suppose wha tiw as looking for was the same reaction,t he same person, buit that is impossible, she is someone else after all

im looking for soeone that isnt there and feeling things no one else does

all alone and disgusting

i sometimes forget that