I have come to a decision

how shocking, as indecisive as i have been altely

i am going to shut down again

its safest this way really.

emotion is too much for one girl to handle, what cn ai say . . .

it scares me too feel soemthing inside, tiahs been scaring me for for more than 3 years in a row, that is a long time, too long.

i just need to make history repeat itself. Its starting arleady, i can feel it. The slow slip itno complacency, the doors shutting in on me again

it wont be long until i cry once a month and hope no one notices and i consistantly tell everyone "no, i am alright"

im not sure iw ant to do this

i dont want to be angry anymore, i dont want to be wistful and lonely anymore

because the only problem with emotion is its lack of ending. It doesnt go awya, it never goes away . . not entirely. it leaves youscareed and painful for the rest of your life . . .i dont want to make mreo f thsoe scars . . . not on the inside . . . but what if i go back to makeing them on the outside . . .

god jsut make it stop!

im tired of feeling i dont want emotion in me.

it jsut occured me that without feeling . . i woudlntbe ablet o act anymore

gods why must life be so complicated

Last ngiht was wonderful but afterward and throughout the nightemotion kept peeking out, i had to hold it in, with closed eyes and dancing and screaming

that damned loneliness, the anger htat wont quite go away

no more of this, i cant stand it any longer, i want control, i miss it so badly . . .

no more of this damned emtion tonight, i want to lsoe msyelf in poor decidions and mind altering substances

bad decisions can be quite cleansing

i guess im not so decisive tongith after all