i want to matter so badly

i remember ht efeeling now, the longing to be somehow important and knowing deseprate and painfully that i dont matter at all. . . that whatever i do does nothing, and that no one really cares . . .

i am here for your amusement

im a hankercheif

a clown nose

soemthing to be used, to be toyed with and tossed

with an ocassional visit for maintenance and ever so often some patronizing

but still through all of that i am a tool for everyone else

to care ana dlove and cater to desires not my own

and not to feel or think or act upon my own wishes, god forbid that

ill be a puppet, your puppet, everyones pupet, and they can talk to it and play with it but still like any puppet they are shoving their hand up my ass and making me do whatveer the hell they want im getting shafted . . . thats what it is.

a ventriliquists dummy, i say what someone wants and if i dont say the right thingi go into the fireplace

a wooden doll,, used once never again

you cherish me you say

you appreciate me you say

you love me you say

like a porcelain doll some idealized vision who does nothing wrong and says what you want to hear . . . . and this siw aht i live for, to sit on a shelf and collect dust, waiting for someone to whipe me off and admire me for a moment, a moment is all i need . . . to complete degrade myself all over again and again and again

paper dool in the fire place inked on face melting away a perfect moment of identity before it has all gone away.

no me just some dool boddy who doesnt try anymore, who doesn twrite and doesnt act just lives and ceases to cry

one day i will be that,a nd then amybe they wil all be happy . . . . but where the hell will i be?