I cannot stand to be near myself in public

I simply fall into msyelfsoemtiems, i wont talk the wya i normally would andi wont look anyone in the eye, i stutter and i fumble all over msyelf

I was raised to be obsessed with what others think of me, my mother always asked what other people would say. Seh always thought about it and it has taken ever ounce of strength i have to not think like her

yet i find msyef so withered in public,lacking strength and drive and voice. I wont look up, i wont speak loudly, i climb into a corner and suck my thumb andwait for it tobe my turn, my heart pounds every time the teacher calls onme,w eather i knowthe answeror not . . . .

why i am so scared? why am i so scared?

I look at their eyes and i know what they are thinking about me, i dont speculate, i know. I dont like the watch starign eyes, i dont like the dirty looks forbeign different.

but i am diofferent why cant they jsut elt em be different

it isnt that i care about the looks, it isnt that I care about what they think. I am jsut tire,d so tired, mybones creakand i am tired of knowingthat they think such awful things of me. let me be and let me sleep away the frustration.