bad timing i suppose, horrible horrible timing. Because this is all i seem to want now, but it isnt what she needs. I don't want to make things worse. That is all it seems i could do.

I want to be with her more than anything at times.

I have been trying to tell myself for so long that I shouldnt. I want to ebelive that it is a silly little infatuation taht will never be realized. But it isnt silly. It wouldn't ruin our friendship, becuase both of us are stronger than that.

but i suppose she doesnt want that now. She doesn't need it. No matter how lonely she may seem. I think i would only furhter fuck things up. But god . . . it would be wonderful, if only i was brave enough.

I say all of this, as though i already knew she wanted me. I assume that, I suppose i do have an ego like everyone says. I want to beleive so much . . . with my heart i want to beleive that if i told her how i felt, she would reciprocate. I doubt it

she probably looks at me and thinks, of the short girl with the frizzy hair, whom she has seen cry and fawn over so many others. The naive girl who has made an ass of herself in front of her so many times. She wouldn't see anything else. she wouldnt see someoen she could be with, someone for romance.

that has always been my problem that no one sees the potential in me for romance untill they know me too well to want it.

She knows all my faults and all my secrets and fears and weaknesses, and that just makes me long for her more.

I must sound silly here. I must sound like a complete fool and more of a hopeless romantic than i ver have. You all must think that i am obsessive. some sort of stalker and perhaps i am.

But I am a coward for sure. I have decided to tell her, then before ig et to see her again i have talked my self out of it, over and over and over. I look at her and think the words, but cannot say them, i cannot even type them not to her face. what sort of coward am i?

Sometimes i feel that i need her. perhaps i have made myself dillusional. i dont know anymore. all i know is that i am afraid to confuse her further and make everything harder, after all, sint fixing everythingwhat i have always wanted?

"love me, love me, say that you love me."