i had convinced myself for so long that anyone can be reached. With enough work and determination and calmness and words anyone can be made to understand another person, even if it is only to the slightest degree . . . but I was wrong

i told my father todya everything i felt relating to him (except for my hatred, not that) i told him how i could count the number of times he had said he loved me on one hand. I told him how just being near him made me ffel horrible about myself. I told him how he hasnt been nice to me since i was 13. It didnt work.

i had always beleived that when i finally got all of that off of my chest i would fele better, miraculously better. but I dont. I feel horrible that it didnt work. Because that means that it will never work

he will never understand my pain and he will never be kind to me.

if anything this has only deepened the gpa between us. he told me 'i love ouyy' as he went to bed, because he felt tht h needed to to fix everything

and he still doesnt beleive that he doesnt treat me with respect.