I'm a lunatic, you know that?

i am sitting here having a staring contest with a stuffed munky. . . and i thought i was winning. I don't know what i think and what i feel.

long ago i got tired of dealing with other people's problems and negelcting my own. I would try to fix everyone and forget htat i had a life and emotions as Well, i got myself lost in everyone else's psyche.

stop staring at me like that Sparky! (sparky is the munky) . . . .I forgive you sparky, u are after all, incredibly cute.

then I remeber that i existed and my life was such a mess when i did stop to think about msyelf i was wallowing in depression. I had sunk so low without even knowing, i had cut myself off from every emotional nerve ending so when i went back and thought about how my life was going, for jsut a moment i wanted to die. It is an overwhelming feeling.

My first reaction was too flee the sadness even more to compeltely dive into the lives of others abnd fix it all. That didnt work. because everytime i ran out of things to do i could rememebr the feeling. And that was enough to make me sit down with msyelf and begin to wrok things out, I started, ever so slowly, to figure out who i was what i ebelived and what was wrong with my life.

I started that more than a year ago.

Thank you sparky, you are so reasurring . . . . yes thankyou sparky, you are a cutre munky too.

Well now i know what i beleive, for the msot part, i have a vague idea of who i am. and I know some of the things wrong with me and with my life . . . . but i can;t fix a damn thing. (oops, i cursed in front of a young munky) I am stuck at a stand still because there is nothing i can find to do or say that will fix it.

Sparky shut up, that is what everyone says. . . . . its ok sparky, i forgive you, you are am extremely adorable munky after all

I want to help others again. I know, I know that I should finish with msyelf, but I dont think i can or ever will. I want to make my lvoed ones feel important again. Is that so wrong? I suppose it is, because I can;t do it. did i froget how? or did things get too bad for me to help? I can do nothinig. The words I say don;t work, ,no one will take them to heart or think about them or beelive them.

At least sparky is here