i feel so awful, ,my stomach is gurgling and uneasy, my whole body shakes and i want to scream . . . i did scream and now my throat is raspy.

it isnt my fault . . i was told it was nothing i said or did and i beleive that is a lie. Because I looked at ehr across the room adn she was smiling, smiling i hadn't seen taht in hours. I had tried so hard and long to get hert to talk and all i could get was a few nods, a slight shake of the head. Just enough to assure me that It wasnt soemthing I had done, but not enough tpo make me stop worrying

because I care, i care about the people I love and when i feel as though they don't trust me, or cant, or simply refuse to

the truist of people is all i have

and now she is smsiling not at anyone in particular jsut seeming closer to content than she did earlier. So I decide it a a safe moment to try and talk to her again, even if it isnt about what is upsetting her. She won't say anything to me and she frowns again. a frightening amount of sadness comes across her face. I try to joke tell her something that under any other circumstance would at least crack a smile but there is nothing, her face frightens me, all the sadness and pain and it wasnt htere until i looked until i cam near and tried to talk. I try to hug her. hte only act of comfort i know of aside from words. She shriugs me away, ,no pushes me away. I try to talk but she is looking away. frowning

I walk back to my seat and I want to cry, i do cry but slowly hidden, because I am talking to guys who cannot handle tears, even their own.

I glance back and she is smiling again. Is my pain making her happy? am I the cause of her pain? is wshe onyl able of happiness when i am gone?

but she shook her head to let me know it wasnt my fault.