I have a best friend . . . .

It never really hit me before, ,i dont think i have had one since 8th grade, and that ended badly . . before that the last one i had was from 3rd grade . . . that ended badly as well.

the whole bestfriend process has always been rather detrimental for me.

Never have I been someone who was good with keeping in touch, I had a best friend in kindergarten, Jennifer Day, I never talked to her after that year. Another bestfriend in 1st grade, and 2nd, and still i lost them. and it never hurt. Somehow, early on in life I had learned not to get emotionally attached to people, then eventually I lost the ability. I began to care and love people who were not family deeply.

That was my mistake.

My first best friend of any substantial time was in 3rd grade. She was so kind to me, and had phenomenal stories. Stories and tales that were so much fun. She seemed like me, ,and we could play and talk for hours and never get bored. She had this amazing life, she seemed to know everything about the world, and I knew nothing. I have always seemed naive, and that is only because I am. Her life was spectacular and I worshipped her. It was all lives. My best friend, for 3 years, was a pathologicla liar. It was a tiume in my life where i beleived anything and everything that was said to me as truth. The concept of someone lying wasn't foreign, but lies so elaborate, so planned and wioth plot, i didn't know such things existed. she had lied to me . . it took me so long to recover and the wya i realized was devastating. She had been talking behind my back. she was a small girl and I have always been rather large, and when i was that young i was tall compared to the other kids. She was telling people she had beat me up. I confronted her and she lied, again. Mad an elaborate lie to cover up the things, the horrible painful things tha tmy best friend had said. . . I managed to break off contact with her completely. She has been gone form my life for some time, and now i have seen her in the halls of my school, ,and i feel so much fear, she is oyunger than me, and so much smaller, and not too bright, but I fear her. In my life she represents a time where i died inside, I cannot trust THAT much again, even if i wanted to.

I lost that girl in 6th grade, then in 8th I gained another best friend, ,she was eccentric and wild, much like i am, when I am not brutally depressed. she has similar obsessions as well. she was fun, and stil is, , but she caused pain. She could take nothing seriously, we would joke and joke around, but once i wanted to say sumthing that was important to me, she kept joking. Talking to her is like talking to a recording. There are pauses where you can try to work in a few words, but the voice goes on as if you said nothing. She had an overhwleming need to feel important, not jsut important the center of the universe. I had a breakdown in school one day, so many problems were bulding up on me, one of the larger ones was that me and her had had a bit of a falling out. when she asked me later what had been wrong, and i mentioned her being a reason for mym tears, she was proud. It was frightening,. that she took pride in ther baility to cause me pain. I stopped trustung her rather quickly. the fun with her was never worth it.

So I floated from 8th grade til now without a best friend, and suddenly . . I have one. I didn't even realize it, but a few days ago, she refered to me as her best friend . . . it seems to have jus now registered, ,that she is the only person I can talk to about anything and everything. She is my best and closest friend, i trust her more than i trust anyone else.

and that frightens me to the core