He's drinking again.

There was a two week span where no alcohol passed through his lips, or at least that is what he said. doctors orders. Overly hiogh blood pressure and something about liver enzymes . . Dad never would tell me what the whole deal was, all I knew was that he was suppossed to stop drinking.
And it scared me.

I didnt know if it would be good or bad. Perhaps he would be nicer with no alcohol in his system, more reasonable, kinder,gentler . . . but perhaps, it wouldnt change his attitude toward me at all, and then he would be up nearly as late as me, that he wouldn't fall asleep in a drunken stupor leaving me in a lone paradise.
But how did it turn out?

The truth is I can barely tell the diffrence. He does stay up later, not as late as I do. He has been a bit nicer . . I actually laughed with my father, I lauhged with him . . . I didn't even realize it was possible. So perhaps when he stopped drinking it was for the ebst. It seems that way. and I have been glad for it.

But now
He's drinking again.

A beer with lunch, and I expect that tonight he shall be drunk just like in the good ole days. He wil be meaner, he always is when he drinks. He will yell at me more. I shiver when he touches me, I have for some time. And the path of fear that I had begun to fall into, (that I thought had ended when he stopped drinking), I shall fall into it again.

I've commented repeatedly that I need some alcohol. to get rid of my inhibitions, my fears, to make me forget him. And it scares me that I want to get drunk out of my mind, perhaps I am turning into him.