its almost over i can feel it

i am in the midst of a long stint of freedom and i can feel that i dont have much time left in it

maybe a few hours maybe a few minutes but i can feel it that any time now my dad will walk through that door in a state of revelry

revelry = drunk

but today has been blissful hes been gone all day it seems and i havent heard a word from him

he hasnt been here to yell at me and judge me

hes always been judging me

this is about the time for him to yell at me and tell me that i should exercise because i am too fat

as though i didnt know

hell sit there and talk to me about how i shouldnt eat so much then ask my mom to go get him more ice cream

its almost over now

he has been criticizing me as long as i can remember not to my face, no of course not to my face

but through these thin walls, god they must be thin

since i was little i could hear my dad talking to my mum telling her how i wasnt worth the trouble

its almost over now

he'll come over and ask me who im talking to online and doucle check that i am not giving out my last name

then he'll look over my shoulder and make me feel guilty about anything i may be looking at

whatever it may be

no matter how innocent

he judges all that i do and i am so afradit hat i will do the same to my children

thats why i dont want them

i dont want to be responsible for sumthing so timy so helpless, that looks like me

they say i have his eyes

i do not want them

i want nothing to do with him and the things he says and does

it is almost over now

he will walk in that door and yell and make me upset and want to cry, then he will demand sumthing of my mother and they will fight and he will take out his aggressions on us

he will tell me what is wrong with me and i will get angry, so angry i will not know what to do with myself

then i will burn and i will feel bette,r untill i see his face again

It is almost over now

any hour any minute any second now i will see his face his red face (it is always red, like a constant sunburn) and i will have to close my eyes and be kind to him who is not kind to me

any moment now

and i know timite i will here him through my thin walls

and i will cry

i will burn