after a break of almost a year i do two entries in two days. amazing

tonight i just drove around town. I sat in barnes and noble and read a book of short stories by Ali smith until the store closed.
i felt incredibly unbearably lonely. the kind of solitude that grabs at your intestines and twists them around. I smoked 5 (or was it 4) cigarettes and I do not even smoke anymore. I breathed in tobacco until my mouth tasted like copper and i drove with my window down and my radio up hoping to find some sort of teenage liberation in it
i found none
and instead discovered my ability to smoke text and drive all at once and to dream up women i have never met and to somehow desperately not want to go home alone.
I drove by bars and wondered how late people stayed in them on sunday nights and if i went in how do you talk to someone in a bar and how do you move and smile and breathe when you go to a bar by yourself. How do you go in and sit at the bar and order a ruma nd coke that you know you cant afford and drink a few of them and fail to talk to anyone without looking like a cliche?
The lonely fingers twisting around in my guts till I don't want to get them out, afraid it would hurt more to get it all untangled than to have it in there.
I thought about trying to meet people, going places by myself and just seeing if i could but by the time i came to that conclusion i didnt want to anymore. didnt want to try to be liked or impress someone or flirt or talk. i didnt want to talk. the futility of moving my lips and working my vocal chords and breathing in and out in the desired manner . . for what? to momentarily fill the void i feel tonight? to try and when a kiss, a friend, a date, a fuck. and what would that do, huh? after i had a bit of over-priced rum in me what would i do with words except fuck them up and give myself some sort of artificial connection for the evening. i wanted to wallow, to feel the wind in my hair and not particularly enjoy it.