there is something that makes me very happy when I call home and my dad answers. He picks up the phone and says hello, in that very kurt way he does. as though he wantss nothing to do with the person on the other end. then I say hi dad and there is this sudden joyful surprise in his voice. I have never felt so much like my father loves and cares for me as I do when he answers the phone.
I like calling him. I dont like being near him or living under his roof, or riding in a car with him, but i like calling him. because any other time, when my presence doesnt surprise him, he becomes the hostile man. when i catch him off guard he is capable of love. its nice.
I miss the father i had when i was a little kid. I miss who he was back then. I miss him being able to show that he cared, as opposed to now. when he cant just say he wants to see something i've directed, he has to tell mom and she communicatees it to me. I get the I love you's and the I'm proud of you's via her.
I remember when I was in middle school an really starting to hate dad, and I was still at that age when you tell your parents goodnight and hug them before you go to bed. I remember feeling so unloved and unwanted that I stopped saying "I love you" to see if he would say it. he didn't.
Then I thought it meant he didnt. know I know my father is emotionally stunted. He doesnt allow himself to show care for children above the age of 11. Because once they hit the double digits they are threats. we could take over.
Mother's day is sunday. i am going to go to wal-mart in a bit and buy mom a gift.