you take my mind off her
so tonight i am going to flirt with you as much as i can manage, maybe snuggle and feel a warm body and be very warm and happy and not think about her.
Under different circumstances i might feel bad for doing that, for flirting blatantly with someone i had no interest in beyond friends and flirting . . . but it makes me feel better. it makes me stop thinking and longing
and i want to feel a warm body.
i want to get drunk and make out with someone who i normally wouldnt. I want to make mistakes.
my brother and I talked about how he has missed out on alot by never going through a rebellious phase when he was younger . . . i went through one, but i still feel like so much is undone. like i only have a few eyars left to get quite a few irresponsible things out of my system before i become too old for them to be discardable. when I am 30 (in ten years) I wont be able to chalk things up to youthful stupidity without shame. you can be young and stupid for your whole life, but you can only laugh it off for a few decades. I am running out of time.
I have never done anything regrettable when i was drunk, i think twice i let some information slip that shouldn't have. but no consequences. i havent even kissed someone oout of drunkenness, or even made out or had drunken mistake sex . . . . i dont even want to have drunken mistake sex. i just want to go make mistakes, as fast as i can, as long as i can.

I found my pack of cigarettes. I really want to smoke them. instead i think i'll take them to trent's and have them destroyed in some grand way.
I keep thinking about how many there are left in the pack and wha ta waste it is . . . i keep thinking, oh dont quit smoking till that pack is gone

my friends uncle diedrecently from soking, it is interesting becaus eboth her and i came back form rbeak with stories about a family member with medical problems because of smoking, we almost ahd a cigarette together but I had decided to quit and she wa son the brink of quitting herself.
when it comes to grand ways to destroy cigarettes . . . fire is not the best way.