so
my parents gave me a tool kit last time i came home, ebcause i mentioned that i needed a screw driver and my mother got carried away.
there was one of those nice retractable exacto knife blade things in it. Not really an exacto knife, but something similar and off brand and very very sharp

You must understand, during my heavy self abuse time i used rther dull objects, a metal math compass, a pair of ordinairy scissors. . . .

I have been so very lonely and disgusted with myself. it isnt so bad except for when i am alone at night.

I have never cut that deep before, never really had the resouraces, never really had blood literally drip onto the floor that way.
I havent seen the only people whho would know to suspect it lately. I havent even had to try hard to hide it.

a sudden surge, like emotional vomit . . . i could slit my wrists you know . . .

it is insanely tempting, cutting isnt tht hurried intense passionate thing anymore, it is almost addictive . . .

i cut back on smoking and this is returning, i need to go back to the cancer sticks maybe
perhaps

i dont know

i hate that i like this.