it is a little past one thirty. I am in my best friend's house in Raleigh, no one in this town but him knows i am here. his parents dont know i am here. his sister doesnt know i slept in her bed.
he had to leave for a few hours and i am alone. i feel comfortable here, except for the paranoia that i will be found out.
the only morning after signs of my drunkenness last night, is a headache and a diary entry. I do nto feel the normal sluggishness and slight illness. Normally my stomache churns acid the next day and i am a useless being, today i feel fine, a tylenol has cured me of last nights revelations.
things arent how i expected them to be, though i dont know what i expected. What was it that was supposed to happen?
I half came here thinking he would solve all my problems. I dont know why, and i dont know how i expected it to be done.
The computer is in this absolutely perfect acoustic place, so that any music i play can be heard throughout the whole house. Maybe I will jsut take a nap until he gets back.
I found his little voice recorder that he uses to practice monologues.
all the clocks around me are wrong, they say 10:50, but i know it isnt true.
today, sleeping in a strange house in a strange bed was the first time in months that i have been able to wake up before noon without a fight. I like this place.I needed to get away from that house and that town, even if only for a day and a half.
I dont want to cry on the bus ride home.
Maybe tongiht I will go out, i will sneak out some of the leftover vodka and share it with friends and have fun, perhaps.
I tried to offer to make breakfast or something, since his diet when he has the house to himself seems to consist entirely of cereal and bagel bites, he didnt take me up on the offer.
the tylenol is fighting my headache rather well, it is almost gone.
2 screw drivers (one of them fat stronger than it had a right to be) 3 glasses of wine (wine meaning grape juice that we put vodka in) and half a water bottle of pj. i was so lost.
there is this feeling i get when i am too drunk, a feeling that i cannot fall asleep with. It is this frightening falling feeling that makes me feel like i might puke if i dotn fight it, it happens whenever i close my eyes for too long. I ate a peice of bread and drank two glasses of water last night so that it would eb gone enough for me to sleep.
the pipes are groaning,t hey scared me.
i thinkt he feeling is just th eline between me ad complete loss of control. it is frightening. i like losing control, anyone who drinks likes that. but i suppose that dreadful sickening sudden falling sinking feeling is mroe than i can handle.
the urge to kiss you still will not go away.