My body gets strange pains for what seems to be no reason. Perhaps because of all the ways i have fucked it up in the past, burnign my wrists, cutting my arms, all the things i have done, the things i have brought apon myself

Why do we brign thigns apon ourselfes? why dont we think, how can we do thign siwth absolutely no regard for the consequences, and continue to disregard them again and again, yet we still bemoan our fate .. .its not fate, its cause and effect.

everyone does something self-destructive, my mother give herself more work than she can handle and refuses help, my father drinks, I just havent found the vice that works for me as of yet. I tried smoking cigarettes, ust didnt feel right, tried cutting, and burning, and i fear i am feeling the side effects of that torture on my body. But then what? what will I do? I dont like beer, I dont have easy access to pot. Im fairly sure im done with physical abuse. So what now?

what?