the problem is, that it isnt exactly optional. I cant control who i am, not anymore, when iw as younger i wanted to be soemthing i could manipualt emy own development in a strange way, and i acheived this strange mixture of normal and abnormal . . . im not sur eif it is wha ti wanted, but i made it, i made mysef this way i made this happen. Its far too alte to change it now

I was asked by someone earlier this week why i enver told her that i wrote poetry . . . i guess i jsut thoguht it was assumed.

Writing has always been such a big part of my life, even before i knew how to write i could write. I rmeember writing stories in scribbles in the margins of ym copy of cinderella as a child . . . i dont rememebr wha tthe sotry was about . .. jsut that there was love in it. It is as natural to me as rbeathing, love and writing and acting from my first breath to my last . . they will be everything to me. I just migh tnot have them.

I dont ant love to be so important to me. I dont want to be looking for it around every corner. I dont want to see it when it isnt there. Its this unnattainable thing that hautns my vision. Gatsby had the image of Daisy floating across the city scapes and in his everythought and action. My daisy is eveyrone and anyone. My daisy is possibility, an di see it anywhere in anyone. I just so desperately do not wat to be alone. I wan tto et in all the love and life i can get in before it is deneid to me forever. Because at some point the trickle the spiget is giving me will cut off forever.

but ali can do is sit and wait.

You see it would presumptuous of me to persue love, because tha trearely works, and . . . . aside from the female role of bein eprsued, im jsut too scared of everything to go after someone, and even on top of all that. There isnt anyone who wants me

And that is the very thing that i somehow have trouble facing. Its amazing, i think i am ten times as ugly as i really am, and ye ti still in my mind, expect for love to jsut come ot me

its not my fautl i suppsoe. I base my view of life on movies and plays and books. my favorite moveis are Chasing Amy, and Punch Drunk Love and Princess Bride and all these films that tell me tha tlove isnt based ont eh superficial, that peole find it easily and evryday and it is deep and profound and attractiion isnt based on the exterior. So i expect love to coem to me eaisly with no basis whatsoever in ym appearance, i convince myself tha tlooks dont amtter so much when they do. hell i know it. th ebeautiful peole get married, and weathe ro rnot it works out is one thing, btu at leas they get affection and something resembling love and romance.

and i will have to learn to deal with the fact tha ti am not beautiful. and that romance will be rare in my life. so i should quit expecting it to come aroudn the corner any minute now, becuase i could be up for a long wait

all it takes is compleltey revising everything about the way i think . . . thats all