i've been looking at my life quite in the wrong way

i dont need love.

that was quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever, EVER, admitted. But it is true, i dont need it. And hoenstly, im not even sure i want it.if it comes, then it comes, and will deal with it then . . .but somehow i doubt it. i dotn need it, life is complicated enough for me as it is. I have to stop holding on to things that are in ym past, people and ideas, and things i jsut dont ebelvie in anymore . . .

Letting go is hard, espescially hwen you have developed a death grip on soemthing, rgor mortis set in long ago . . . and i am still alive, or so i think. i am fairly sure i am, last i checked at least.

my heart still beats, my skin still feels warm to the touch, not like brad. im not in a suit and tie, i am not coverd in bad makeup . . . my skin isnt cold.

im not dead, not yet

and i have a feeling it is quite up to me wether or not i stay that way.

I dont need love

wow, im amazed, its just that . . . . it isnt th emsot important thing anymore, it isnt. i still want it, but i want my kind of love, not the first thing fate drags in.

so i will allow my life to be deviod of it for now.

what i do miss is touch, emotional contact, phsyical contact. a hug is one thing, jsut a friend, like erica, my sweet little sister, hugging me, thats nice . . . bt its not what i need. . . . i need, comfort, i need warmth, i need some emotion to flow between mysel fand hte person i am touching so that without what i am saying . . they know what i feel, they know my sorrow, they share it . . . it happens to me so rarely . . . but if i ever go in search of love again, or if it ever finds me . . . that is the sort of touch i will rceive, that is exactly what the person i love will give me. because it is the only thing i cannto give myself

i complained to a friend the other day how everyone seems to want to tell me the details of their sex lives, honestly i wouldnt mind so much if it werent for the way they usually say it. they say it as though they think i will never receive that myself, they say it as though they pity me, as though telling me were some kind of chairty, a look into an experienc ethey think i have never and will never have.

i hat being patronized, i hate being pitied, and i hate being afraid that they are right.