When depressed we human slike to drown

we like to wallow, we like to feel the waters cover us and stop breathingg, we let our depression fill our lungs and it is sweet

my father does it with beer

my brother, self-loathing. my mother, books, ad studying

i have yet to pick my drug of choice and stick with itMy brother has been on zoloft for half a year now and i have foten wodnered but been unable to ask wha tits like.

I do no tmean this in teh braod and general way but in that . . . his depression is often unfounded, hence the happy pills, however . . . what is it like when he has a reason to be depressed? What happens when there is a completely founded and rational sadness coming apon him . . . can he feel it? is he robbed of it?

or is he saved?

Sometimes . . . i do not know wha ti wouldnt give not to feel such sadness, and others i would attack anypne who dared to take it from me.

When sad i wrtie poetry . . but there is this line, this indistinguishable line, which no one can identify until they have crossed it. When ic ross this line i cannot write, i cannot draw, i cannot function. I lie in bed and cry.

The tears are different as well. I am not a good crier, my eyes puff up and my face turns red, my eyes bloodshot . .. normally i hiccup and gasp for breath, i cry violently, my trears fight my skin and i can abrely breathe and tha tmake sme cry more

when i cross the line i dont figh tanymore, my trears have no one to fight with .. . i jsut give myself over to it entirely. I do not fight the waters i open my mouth wider and let the waters flood me

i drown in my sorrows complacency, there is a point in drowning, i was once told, in which you arent fighting anymore, you are just going, and you can feel it, like falling asleep, suddenly your will to fight it leaves you and you find yourself in the water quite ready to go wherever it may take you.

tha tis th epoint

i reached it tongiht, htough i havent in some times, in months, nay, in years i havent felt this . . this willingness to go

all my life has been a struggle to jsut tread water, tonight i let myself drown.