Today i was nearly a normal teenage girl.

I used to despise nomralcy and want it all at once. Then i didnt want it anymore and I jsut despsied it and then i wanted it and loved it and now . . . . now I understand normalcy in an entirely different light. Nomralcy is a privelge I have been denied, or perhaps i have denied it myself. Normalcy to me is nowthe ability to do things that others do without being judged, the ability to do simple tasks and events that make people human, to share certain significant moments with other people, things that are significant to everyone.

I was in the mall today being me, looking at things an stefanie and I looked at prom dresses, i don't know why aprticularly, i'm not even sure i want to go to prom but im fairly sure im going anyway. we lookedat prom dresses and Stefanie fell in love with one it made her so happy so i told her we should try them on. She insited that I try one on with ehr and hoenstly I wanted to. I wanted to wear a dress and look pretty init, iI wanted to ., . i dont know what was going on in my mind at the time. but i managed to find a dress i liked in a size somewhere close to reality adn we marched to the dressing rooms feeling rather silly to try them on.

Prom is something that i dont hold too important but at the same time, i am sort of excited about it,a t riskj of fitting itno some sort of teeange stereotype. I would like to think that it would be magical but my overdeveloped sense of reality prevents that, i think i would jsut like to pretend for one night that i am one of hte pretty girls. and so i went to try on a dres, a nice dress and i rossed my figners hoping i would look good in it that i could squeeze into this reality.

we talked to one another through the stalls and i unzipped the dress and clumsily pulled it off of its hanger, i pulled it voer my head and slid it down, with a bit ofmanuvdring ti was around me, i smiled. it was nice. i said to stef "i think it fits" happily, she said "great come out her i wanna see it" so i pulled the top up to put my hands through the sleeves and found that it would not fi tuo my large arms and i couldtn zip up the back. It didnt fit, i was too large to fit in the biggest dress i could find. Then to make matters worse i couldnt get out of it.

I was stuck in a dress to small tht was growing uglier by the second and all i could see was the reflection of msyelf in teh mirror, half naked jammed in some disgusting dress that seemed even smaller by my reflection and i was tuck, i couldnt find my way out of it.

Welcome to thinville, population, everyone, no one over a size 11 is admitted.

but i tried to get in anyway, i tried to squeeze into some world wher ei didnt belogn andi got stuck int eh gate, my fat stomache and flabby arms wedged me into a doorway that i suddenly didnt want to go into.

And thus i am once again reminded tht i cannot be normal in anyway. I cannot even pretend to be one of th epretty people, i cannot pretend at all. I want to be everything everything but me, anything but me.