This is the time of year when everyone is supposed to be making empty promises to themselves. Right?

So what is my empty promise? I suppose I will damned if i know

every day this week, nay this month I have promsied to myself before I fell asleep that the next morning i would stop eating. Every day i have managed to stop myself, and every day i promise again.

Everytime i eat a part of myself cries out in agony asking myself why.

What do i want out of myself more? mental health or survival? Which may I have without sacrificing the other entirely? I am not sure if i am more stable when i starve msyelf or when I don't. I fele out of mymnd and frazzled and weak now . . . but before what did I feel?

Before, when i destroyed my body I felt weak but i wasnt frazzled, i felt like I was in control.

Am I in control now? I feel as though I can barely reign in my own thoughts.

What do I want?

I want to like msyelf. but does that mena i have to be physically pleasing? I suppose it does, my body is a part of myself wether i liek it or not an dI do nopt liek it, i hate it.]I despise it and so that makes me hate myself.

I set these limtis, I look in the mirror and i suck in my stomache a bit and say "that looks realistic, i would be happy if i just got down to where that was natural."

And then the back of my mind asks me if I get down to that if that will be enough.

Nothing will never be enough, itisnt so much th ti am unhappy with this body i am unhappy with my bdoy, any body that I have i will hate, no matter howthin or beautiful other find it.

What do I want?