I never liked the idea of using templates, really i dont, i dont like the idea of online journals either but here i am typing away, and i dont know where to start.

I hate myself in so many waysm when Ilook in the mirror when i think of how cut off I've let myself become, how open I've let myself become.

when I was little, I remeber being so angry that I couldnt be 'normal' my mum was a teacher and I was in upper courses and I was so angry that every one had these unsurmountable expectiations of me, every time i made a mistake, i slipped, they would all be so dissapointed in me. As if by getting caught for what everyone else did, that wasnt so bad in itself, was like conquering a third world country.

I've realized since then that all expectations are impossible to reach, so I stopped trying. I will only doe what i want and beleive i can acheive, i wont become an athlete because my father wants me to, i wont become a teacher like my mother wants me too oh so despertely.

I am myself, I dont want to be normal, no normal isnt even the word for it anymore. There really is hardly such a thing. Average is too dull, it lacks personality, so if tha tis normal, I will never be it.

If my mother knew much more about me

she would hate me

Im against most of what she stands for I want to dye my hair interesting colors and get some peircings and tatoos, i dont want children im bisexual. there I finally got to the ever so important word. Bisexual.

In the beleifs i confess at church, when i take cxommunion at the rail, those beleifs say i am going to hell.

but that isnt what bothers me about it, the internal conflicts that come about from being 'abnormal' as far as sexualtiy are for more complex than that, at least for me

my parents will kill me for one

my dad will want to disown me

my mother will want to 'fix' me

what bothers me is that i finally let myself face this and I dont know what to do with it

im in the bible belt so that means gay bars (there has to be a better way to say that) are rare and besides im too young to drink Neway. So now, by allowing myself to admit this doesnt mean i can run off and have a relationship with a girl (which i want to, i think I like girls more than men) it means that i can stare without feeling guilty

well i do anyway because when i realize i am checking out a girl, watchign her then i wonder how noticable it is

because i am scared of who will find out

because if certain ppl find out my parents find out

so my life has become a constant avoidance of my parents

isnt that the way it should be?