i am going to write this entry irregardless of what anyone else will think and feel, because this is my diary, and i dont want other people to respond to it and i dont want them to react to it, i am writing this for me, not for you

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I dont expect love . . . does that make any sense? (dont answer that)

I don't really care too terribly much if the people I love feel the same for me. To be hoenst, ,it would probably scare the crap out of me if they did love me as much. As long as they humor me, as long as they elt me love them, i could ask for nothing better

jsut to be allowed to lvoe someone, to be allosed to tell them how you feel withoput worry. I think more than anything i get joy out of loving others. I like giving gifts. I like giving things from the heart, my heart. I like assemblin items, ,searching for the perfect thing for weeks until finalyl i have the item and i can give it away. Jsut to see the look on their face.

I don't want anyone to feel obligated to love me. Loving someone out of obligation is more painful than anyhitng else, not just for yourself, but for the person you are pretending to love

no one loves me.

And the people who read this who know me are automatically going to tell themselves and probably me that they do love me, to try and dig out soem sort of depression (like they are constantly doing) They don't love me

they think they lvoe me, they truly do beleive it, and i can't hold that agaisnt them. Perhaps it is a different kind of love . . .

when i was younger it btohered me that every friend iu had had toehr friends. but for all of them i was at the bottom of the friend totem pole . . . well i have now finalyl come to terms with that concpet. That people do care about me, ,jsut there are other people who take precedence.

I am not meant to be loved. It is a shame at times how some people waste their emotions trying to help me. I am not worth it, i am not meant to be loved, and i dont really expect to be loved

I am going to die without love. I wont have a succesful marriaged or 'significant lover' and it is depressing to hear for you, i am sure that no one wants to beleive that. I wotn let that stop me from goign ito relationships though. because i know it wont alst forver, ,but i love them, and they at least feel soemthing for me so then it is a good thing, it is about trusting your emotions, and jsut becuase i know it wont end happily ever after it will end the way it has to.

so dont let it btoher you if i love you, but you dotn lvoe me, be proud that you happened to be bright enough to realize it.

we put ourselves in dillusions all the time

i think i may be out of my dillusion,

love is improtant, but for me, i would rather gvie it than receive it, because i know i wont receive it.

this is not a standard depression, i am not depressed as i wrtie this, it is jsut the way things are, . . . at least now i have it here where i can look at it and nod affirmatively, and tell myself "yep kati, you know all, you da man" . . . . that was humor, in case soem of you missed it